These questions are things that I’ve asked myself a lot over the past four months. Why do I want to share this journey? Why do I want to be vulnerable? Why would I put myself, my feelings, and some of my darkest hours out on display for all the world to see?
As we walked this journey, at some point, I realized that God had a bigger purpose for this pain. I Had no idea what it was that hHe was calling me to do or how I could make a difference to just one other person.
Two months ago, in speaking to a very dear friend, and discussing how helpless I felt, she looked at me and said “there are a lot of spouses in this same boat out there, and they probably feel just as alone, why don’t you share this”.
Much of this I feel like I’ll write through tears and that is why I’m sharing this journey now. The emotions that you feel while caring for a spouse for a long period of time are from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I want anyone reading this to realize how heartfelt these words are. I want them to know that I have not forgotten or dramatized or sugarcoated anything that I’m writing.
I want to reach people early in this season. I pray that you will see that these emotions are real, the fatigue is valid, that when people say “take care of you first” that is not always possible. Most importantly, I want everyone to see how God has grown my faith in His plan over just the past year. Putting all of the unknowns into the hands of the One who created it all takes some weight off my shoulders. I don’t have to have the answers, I don’t have to worry about what the future holds. This path through the illness of my spouse has proven to me over and over that there is a real God who loves me, cherishes me, and longs for me to believe in Him. 
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